Two Spare Bedrooms

Days of Distraction

2005-11-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

Just me saying a quick hello. I don't post too much anymore because I feel like I really don't have anything too interesting to say. My life has slipped into a comfortable, unstressful routine - but there is a very strange flipside. I think I have come to the conclusion that I have blocked out a lot of painful memories from the past couple of years, and they are starting to come back little by little. I have very strange dreams every night, sometimes about the ex, sometimes about babies, sometimes about my boyfriend breaking up with me for no reason. I also think I have a minor degree of memory loss since I don't remember some things that I think I should. Sounds like I need some help, huh? I have been thinking about going back into therapy for a little while. Life is very scary for me in a sense right now. The divorce is final, which is good, but yet most of my personal belongings are still in my old house that my ex still lives in. I just can't bring myself to go there to get them - maybe too horrifying and painful. I was such a different person back then, so depressed and lonely and lazy. Not saying I am perfect now, I am far from it - just not so depressed and lonely and lazy.

I am still babysitting for my nephews, and love them more than humanly possible. And they love me back just the same. I feel very lucky to have them and to be able to deal with their births as well as I did. I did not deal with the initial news of my sisters' pregnancies well at all, but dealing with live babies is something totally different for me. They are completely beautiful and loving, and watching them grow everyday is amazing. These are very happy days. Things are still going very well with my boyfriend, and we will be together six months on Thursday. We are thinking about moving in together sometime in 2006, so hopefully that works out.

So I am very happy, but equally as scared about where life is headed for me. I had everything so together (or so it seemed) a few years ago, with a successful career, beautiful home, and a husband who seemed to love me. Now I am relatively unemployed, live in a garage converted to a bedroom in my parents house, and am single again (but in a relationship). Yet, despite all this, I somehow manage to be happier than I have ever been, at least most of the time.

IVF Miscarriage

2005-09-20T21:23:00.000-04:00

I didn't even know what a blog was until I typed "IVF Miscarriage" into Yahoo search about a year ago, and I discovered Julie's blog. It opened me up to a world I didn't know existed, at least not to the extent that it does. I don't remember if I found her blog before or after my miscarriage, but I do know that until I found the infertility blogosphere, I felt utterly and completely alone, and did not know how to deal with the despair I felt.

Now it seems I am returning the favor. When I check the referrals to my blog, I am one of the first sites to pop up when someone searches "IVF Miscarriage". Who would have thought, who would have wanted it, but I am glad to help someone who may desperately need it.

Time Flies (Whether You're Having Fun or Not)

2005-08-22T23:54:00.000-04:00

Yes, now I am having fun, but a year ago that certainly was not the case. I cannot believe that it has been a year since I started my first and last IVF cycle. Last year at this time I was stressing about my freaky uterus and not suppressing on Lupron. I was injecting myself daily with the hopes of a successful cycle. It really did not cross my mind too much that I may have a miscarriage - I assumed the hurdle would be getting pregnant. I realize now how depressed I really was, losing myself as I died little by little. All I cared about was getting pregnant and having a baby. My perception of the experience was that my husband was unsupportive about the whole thing, as I could not tell him my feelings and fears, or really cry on his shoulder. Those of you with supportive husbands truly are blessed - it just makes the heartache a little bit easier to deal with. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who continue to struggle to achieve your dream of becoming a mother. I continue to read my blogs every day, and hope and pray for something good for each and every one of you. You truly deserve it.

These days I get so much joy from my baby nephews. My six-month old nephew that I watch every day is so much fun to be around. I am helping to raise a child, 8-10 hours a day, and it feels great. It was always my dream to be a stay at home mom, but I never thought I would experience it as I am in my current situation. It really is wonderful, and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do it. I know I can't be unemployed forever, but for now, it is great. I wake up happy and go to bed happy - what more could I ask for?

Things with my new beau are still going great. We are traveling together next month to see his sister (my best friend) and his mom in Arizona, so I am really looking forward to that. It is such a pleasure to be with someone who doesn't make a huge deal out of every little thing. We go through things that would have ended up being a week long fight in my marriage, only now it is dealt with in a normal, healthy way. We let each other be who we are, and do not try to change each other. So things are really good, and I am finally happy. It is amazing how much life can change so quickly.

Back For Good

2005-07-23T09:20:00.000-04:00

I have not posted in a very long time, and if anyone cares, I apologize! I had the job from hell that demanded more hours than I cared to give, but I quit, and yesterday was my last day! I know, I feel like an irresponsible rebel, but my sanity is more important than a blood-sucking, stressful job that doesn't give a shit about your personal life. People still think that banker's hours are from 9 - 3, but that is a myth. I was working most days from 8 - 7 with a 15 min. break. I know many people do this without complaining, but the entire day was always filled with stress and crisises (what the hell is the proper way to pluralize crisis?). And the customers were beyond rude and abusive. I knew I had to leave when I started having nightmares every night and waking up with anxiety attacks. Definitely not worth it. And to be honest, after everything I have been through over the past few years, I just don't have it in me to deal with this kind of thing anymore. Life is way too short to spend it miserable, and I refuse to do it.

So, I am unemployed once again. What a catch I am - 32 and almost divorced, no kids, and I live with my parents! Wow, how impressive! Thank God I have a great boyfriend who doesn't care about all that stuff, and just cares that we get along great and have a great time. We see each other every day most weeks, and it truly is a best friendship with passion and laughs and everything you could want. Seems too good to be true, so maybe it won't last, but I sure hope it does. The only weird thing is that he is also 32 and not at all ready to settle down and have kids. He says maybe in a few years, but after being so focused on starting a family for the past 4 years, this is very strange to me. In a few years my fertility will be compromised, and who the hell knows what will happen. So I have been trying to prepare myself for a life without children. As much as I want children, I really don't think it will ever happen. I don't know why, but I guess you guys can relate. When you want something so badly for so long and it doesn't happen, you can't conceive of it ever happening (no pun intended). So it makes me sad that I may never have kids, but I guess if I am truly happy with my partner, maybe it won't matter??? No, that can't be true because I know many of you are truly happy with your partner and still long for children. Oh well, I guess time will tell. I have no idea where my life is going and it is very scary. But I really just want to enjoy what I have right now and have fun. Like I said, life is too short...

My baby sister had her baby boy last Sunday night. He is so cute! She had a very rough labor and delivery, and finally had to have a C-section because he was too big and just wasn't fitting through the birth canal. Adam Edward was 8 lbs. 15 oz. and 20 in. long. My poor sister is so nervous and overwhelmed since she is breast feeding, and this is one hungry baby. Now that I will have some more free time, I will help her out as much as I can. I am going to start babysitting for my other nephew again, who is now 5 months old. He is unbelievable, and loves his Jumperoo! I swear it looks like he is going to fly out of it he jumps so high. I am just going to enjoy the rest of the summer stress free, and then decide what I am going to do career wise. Thank God for my wonderful parents who love having me live with them again (rent free - they won't take anything). I have the best family in the world, and feel very lucky and happy despite going through a divorce and everything else. As you can see, I am not PMSing right now. Maybe next week will bring some other feelings!

I'm Still Here

2005-06-11T09:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted for so long! My life has been crazy and has changed so much. I started working again on May 16 - I am the Assistant Branch Manager of an extremely busy bank branch. It is one crisis after another, and during the first week I was working 11 hour days. I was ready to quit after the third day, but realized I had to give it more time. I am used to it by now, and hopefully things will calm down. The branch is in an extremely affluent area, and celebrities are frequently in the shopping center it is located in. So it has been fun hearing about who is arriving each day in their stretch limos to shop, get their hair done, or eat. Last week the most famous radio personality (don't want to say his name because then I will get more hits than I want to this blog) was having lunch with his daughter while his limo driver waited for him. Didn't get to see him though.

I also have been seeing someone, and am very happy. I have known him all my life as my best friend's brother, and he has always had a crush on me. So I guess the timing was finally right for us to get together, and it seems to be working. We get along great, and have so much in common since we grew up together. We will see what happens. Other than that, not too much has changed. I still have not found my own place to live, and hardly even have the time to look. If I have to stay with my parents for a while it wouldn't be the worst thing. I have to say I didn't realize how miserable I really was a few months ago until I got out of the situation. I feel like myself again. Unfortunately, my ex and I are not friendly at all. The divorce will hopefully be final in a few months, and I can officially move on with my life. If I don't get caught up in the fact that I am 32, I can actually be OK with the fact that I don't have kids yet. I will admit, it does concern me when I think about it. But I am just trying to enjoy life and not get caught up with this stuff.

More Reasons Why I Hate May

2005-05-08T22:58:00.000-04:00

OK, I am starting to PMS, and therefore starting to feel negative and depressed. Here are some more reasons why I now hate the month of May:

1) Most obvious reason as I previously stated - daughter would have been born this month

2) Mother's Day - although I love and appreciate my mother more than anything in the world, this day was particularly hard this year. Had I not had the miscarriage, I obviously would have been celebrating it as an expectant mom. Instead, I had to pretend everything was fine and celebrate it with my mom, sister who is a new mom, and sister who is expecting her first baby in July. Fun day for all but me, although I pretended I was fine.

3) My birthday is in May - sounds silly to hate your birthday, but as I approach 32 in 9 days, I am forced to realize that I am not getting any younger, and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am disappointed in myself and my place in this world. Obviously I had hoped I would be happily married with a couple of children. Oh well...

4) My anniversary (or former anniversary) is this month. I think about the vows we took and the promises we made, and I get extremely mad at what bullshit it all was. I took my vows seriously, and believed that we would stick together through the good times and the bad times, blah blah blah. Why bother taking vows if you don't mean them?

I am sure I can come up with more reasons of why I hate May, formerly my favorite month, but I am tired and depressed and need to go to bed. If I think of any more reasons, I will post tomorrow. Goodnight.

MAY This Month Be Over Soon

2005-05-04T19:50:00.000-04:00

May. Nine months ago I couldn't wait for it to be here. Now I hate it. This is the month that my daughter would have been born. I cry all the time. I can be laughing one second, then think about this, and before I know it I am crying. Doesn't matter where I am - driving, with family, with friends, at a wedding. I do my best to hide it, but I don't know if I am doing a good job. It's just really, really, hard. And so damn sad. Is this the way it is going to be now? In June, am I going to cry because my daughter would have been one month old? And in July... Will it ever end, or is this it now? I may always be on the verge of tears for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I still have fun and participate like a normal human being, but the miscarriage was the heartbreak of my life, and it will always rip at my soul. To anyone who has ever been through this, I truly am sorry and I feel for you. No one deserves to feel this way.

The Hidden Truth

2005-04-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

There is a big part of the failure of our marriage that I have not addressed because I did not want to get off the topic of infertility. My ex is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 10 1/2 years. Before we started dating, I had a feeling that this was the case because he only drank ginger ale at social events. I am the type of person who likes to go out for a few drinks every now and then, so I thought this would be a problem for our relationship, and was part of the reason why I would not date him for seven months. Finally, I decided it was time to give it a try. On our second date, he was honest and up front with me about his past - he was in A.A. for alcoholism and drug addiction, and went to 5 or 6 meetings a week. I respected the fact that he was honest with me, and asked him if he had a problem with the fact that I liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then. He told me no, that it was his problem and not mine. Sounded good to me, and we resumed our relationship. Within two weeks, he asked me to marry him, and I foolishly said yes.

Things kind of changed slightly after I committed to marrying him. Suddenly, he didn't like the fact that I drank, and I asked him if he would rather I didn't. He said yes, and at the time, I didn't think it was such a sacrifice. Eventually, I resented this, but it was too late. To make a very long story short, my friends were not too thrilled with the new me, because they felt I was changing too much of who I was for him. It took a lot of work to regain the friendships back. Being told I couldn't have a drink made me hate going to social gatherings and weddings, and I started to look around at everyone having fun and felt like I was in a cave. This had to change, and I told him how I felt. After many arguments and many people in A.A. telling him he was wrong, he finally "allowed" me to drink socially, but did not want me to drink in front of him. So this did not solve the social gathering and wedding problem because I was always with him. Eventually, I somehow eased my way into drinking a couple of drinks in front of him. However, we could never have a big barbecue or party at our house and invite his friends because he did not want alcohol served in his home. I could go on and on but I am sure you get the drift.

The thing that put the nail in the coffin that is our marriage is when he decided that my father is an alcoholic, and that I need to go to Al-Anon because I have alcoholic attitudes as a result of my father's alcoholism. My father does drink several drinks a day, but I never ever considered him an alcoholic. I know the definition of an alcoholic is pretty sketchy, but he does not meet my definition of an alcoholic. And he did not drink in the house when we were growing up. The last thing I wanted to do was go to Al-Anon, and I fought it tooth and nail. So he went. For those of you who are not aware, Al-Anon is a twelve step program for people who live with or have been affected by alcoholics. My husband decided he needed to go to learn how to deal with me - a non-alcoholic with alcoholic attitudes, according to him. At first I thought he was going because his father was a full-blown alcoholic, and when I learned it was because of me, something in me shut off. This was not normal, but I would not tell him not to go. I always supported whatever type of support he needed. But I resented it immensely that he felt he needed to go to Al-Anon because of me. Even our therapists (that's right, there were two) told him he had to stop pushing me to go to Al-Anon, and eventually he did. I went to one meeting with him at one point because he threatened to leave me unless I did. I was very weak back then, and just went, but I knew it was not for me. Twelve step programs are for people who want it - I did not. Anyway, I thought the issue was closed, but the fact is, once he got that in his head, the marriage slowly started to end. I confirmed this thought when I heard him talking on the phone with his mother after he told me he wanted a separation. He was telling her pretty loudly that I was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic not getting help, and that is why the marriage did not work. My husband could never understand and accept, despite all our therapy, that I was depressed because of the infertility. He constantly tried to blame my sadness and anger on alcoholism in some way, shape, or form. We never had a chance.

If there is anyone out there who has experienced a similar situation or could offer me some words of advice, please do so. I am still so shocked at the events of our marriage and everything we had to deal with. Our marriage lasted less than four years, and we had to deal with way too many heavy issues (death of his first wife, infertility, alcoholism, etc.). Not an easy four years.

Where To Go From Here?

2005-04-20T20:22:00.000-04:00

I am officially back in my old room at my parents' house. I am not finished removing all my belongings from the house that used to be mine, nor am I finished unpacking what I have taken so far, so things are very upside down right now. I got back from Florida on Sunday, which was lovely. My next adventure is St. Maarten next week for my friend's wedding. Maybe this should become a travel blog - how I wish I could make a career out of vacationing! But reality will soon be setting in as I am most likely returning to the company I left last year after my department was eliminated. It's been quite an eventful year, and certainly not in a good way at all. I am so used to it though, that it just doesn't get me down anymore. Except when I am PMSing, then everything seems worse. But overall, everything is fine, and I finally feel at peace with my life. I no longer have to watch everything I say and do in order to please someone who always seemed to want to change me. It feels weird to have MY life back again, and be the person I once was. I really did not realize what a negative impact my marriage had on me until a couple of weeks ago. I am still not sure if it was actually my husband or the situations we had to deal with, but regardless, it was a lot of negative crap. Right now, I am content not being in a relationship. I have never been able to say that before. Every time a relationship ended, I felt nervous and insecure about being alone, so this is a new feeling for me. I guess I am finally comfortable with myself, and I like who I am. The three years of marriage counseling may not have helped the marriage, but it certainly helped me.

I am really not sure which direction I will be going in with this blog. Obviously I don't fit the criteria of infertile anymore, since I am no longer trying to have a baby at the moment. But the infertility and miscarriage had such an impact on my life that it is something that has changed me forever. I still get a little bit of that jealous feeling when I find out someone I know is pregnant. But at least now that I am separated no one will say to me "so when are you going to have a baby?" But then again, I wouldn't put it past people. People seem to love to remind women that they are getting older and should "get a move on" and have a baby. I have to say this experience has made me much more aware of my comments to others, and now I really think before I speak. I also do not take anything for granted, and appreciate the good things that are in my life, such as my family and friends. I have been watching my two-month old nephew, and it is such a wonderful experience to see him everyday and watch him change little by little. My sisters have been blessed with pregnancy and babies, and I am blessed with a beautiful nephew and one on the way.

I will keep the name of my blog the same, but I guess I will just approach it as a daily journal of my thoughts, which is what I initially started it for. It might be all over the place at times because that is how my life is right now, but at least I can get my feelings out.

Too Much Going On

2005-04-08T15:14:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy this week, between interviews, homework, and packing. Sunday is the move, and I cannot believe how many things I have accumulated over the past four years. I am going to Florida to visit family on Tuesday for six days, and I am looking forward to doing nothing and not having to even think. The week after that, I am babysitting for my newborn nephew. The week after that, I am going to St. Maarten for my best friend's wedding. So there are some great things going on. All of this has been a lot, but amazingly, I am doing well. Don't know how I will feel on Sunday as I leave my house for the last time, but as of now I am doing OK.

Other than that, there really is nothing new. I still am very angry at my ex, and cannot believe how cold he has been. He tries to be cordial, but he treats me as if I was never his wife. It is very strange. How do you turn off feelings just like that? The only conclusion I can come to is that the feelings were never real. Marriage is based on unconditional love, and if you don't have it, it is only a matter of time before it crumbles. I took my vows seriously, and although I haven't been the happiest camper over the past four years, I would never have done anything so drastic. But I will move on and be happy again. Right now, I just want to go out with my friends on the weekends and have fun again. It's been so long since I have truly had any fun. I started to become part of my couch. If I have learned anything from this marriage, it is to always stay true to yourself. All of the answers you need are already within you, and once you start deviating from what you know is right, things will go terribly wrong. It's hard to always live by this because sometimes you want to convince yourself that something is right for you, but deep down inside, you know the truth.

Medication Anyone?

2005-04-01T11:21:00.000-05:00

Things are moving along quite quickly with the separation. We are officially legally separated, and I will be moving out next weekend. It is sad, but I have to say, for the first time in a very long time I am excited about life. I have been on 5 interviews in the past week, and it looks like I should be able to have my pick between a couple of different positions. I hadn't been working for the past year since my position was eliminated due to a merger, and we took the opportunity to pursue IVF with the goal of me being a stay-at-home mom. Ah, the good old days.

In the midst of my depression and constant recuperation from one surgery or another, I had gained a little bit of weight. I was not obese, but on the upper end of what is normal for my height. I have been working out like a psycho and eating smaller portions, and I am happy to report that I have already lost at least 10 lbs! My belly is actually flat again! Never thought I would be happy to have a flat belly considering I was going through extraordinary means to make it huge! So I am doing well, but I am sure I will break down on the day I move out of my house. I will be living with my parents temporarily, until I decide where I want to live. I have been so angry at my ex (is he an ex if we are not divorced yet?) that I actually felt hatred, but it is starting to subside. I actually feel a little sorry for him at times. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel sorry for a man who decided to end a marriage in a matter of a day? Without even a trial separation. Oh well, the softy in me always conquers the angry side. He is a good man, we were just wrong for each other. I also believe that he was too old for me, with the 11 year age difference. Not to say that an age difference is always a problem, but in this case, he acted more like a father to me than a husband. Not very healthy at all.

So the question arises - what do I do with the stacks of fertility medication that are in my fridge? It doesn't expire for a couple of years, so do I keep it just in case for some ungodly reason I need it in the future, or do I donate it to my RE, and help some other couples to achieve their dreams? What would you do?

Thank You

2005-03-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

I would like to thank Julie for listing my blog on her site, and I would also like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. As you can see, I am temporarily out of the TTC game, but I am still here to help anyone who needs advice or has any questions. To recap for anyone who is just catching up, I have been through 5 IUI's, 1 IVF, 1 pregnancy, 1 miscarriage, 1 D&C, and 2 septum repairs. The infertility was due to male infertility (varicoceles), but the miscarriage was most likely due to the uterine septum I did not know I had (the doctor's thought I had a bicornuate uterus). The good news is, my uterus is fixed, and the bad news is, my marriage is over. I would honestly have to say that the stress and trauma of infertility and miscarriage took a huge toll on the happiness of my marriage, and my husband just had enough. No, I am not happy about this, but I am accepting it. I have been through too much to think that this is the end of my life. At 31, I know I will find happiness again, and hopefully I will achieve my dream and goal of someday being a mom. I would love to help anyone who needs support or advice - please just ask!

No, It Was NOT For The Best!

2005-03-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

As I tell my family and friends that my husband and I are separating, I get many different comments - some comforting, and some just downright cruel. My two closest friends said to me "maybe it was for the best that you had that miscarriage." I just don't get this way of thinking. Because I am separating, I am supposed to now be relieved that my baby died? Even grateful? No, my friends, I will never ever feel that way. I wanted my baby no matter what circumstances lie ahead. I guess it is easy to say such things when you have plenty of kids that you conceived with plenty of ease, even by accident. Don't get me wrong, I really am not mad at them, for ignorance is bliss, but I just need to vent.

My husband has applied for a mortgage on his own in order to buy me out of my share of the home, which will probably be final in a couple of weeks. This is all happening so fast, and although I am handling it well, I cannot believe how much I hate the man I thought I loved. I look at him now, acting cold and formal towards me, and say to myself "I can't believe I ever loved him." My husband has a habit of making very rash decisions, and then he regrets them in a few weeks. Like I said in my last post, this is not the first time he has wanted a divorce after an argument, but I guarantee it will be the last. I made a promise to myself that if he does this again, it is over. So I will be moving out after the closing in a couple of weeks, and will be staying with my parents until I find a nice place of my own. Is there anybody else out there whose marriage has suffered as a result of the stresses of infertility? I think back to my wedding day, with all of the hopes and dreams and happiness that I had, and can't help to feel sorry for that person. The pre-infertility me, the one who didn't know the pain that was in store for her. I realize it may seem that I am mourning the loss of trying to have children more than the loss of my marriage, but I am just so angry right now that I can't feel sad about losing a man I can't stand. What happened to commitment, in good times and bad? My family tells me that they don't think he ever wanted to be a father. That may be true in some abstract way, but we discussed this issue in full before we got married, and we were in complete agreement that we would try right away to have a family. Like I've said before, my husband would be just fine with life if he never had any kids. I did all the research, made all the appointments, pushed him to have the varicocele surgery when he wanted to wait a few months so he did not have to miss any of his softball games. I am the one who had the drive to have a family. If things really happen for a reason, then I guess the simple truth is I was not meant to have children with him. It is just scary starting over again at 31, soon to be 32. I have thoughts of just going to a sperm bank and doing it all on my own, but then I wonder if that would be fair to the child. How would my child feel when I told him how he was conceived? How would he feel seeing his cousins with their dads? Is it fair? Or do I make a decision that will make me happy without having to depend on anyone else? These are the questions I ponder.

The Year In Review

2005-03-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

Let's take a look at the last year of my life. One year ago this month, I found out that my entire department was being eliminated as a result of a merger. I was with the company for 10 years, and they gave me a nice severance package. I really was fine with it, and was looking forward to taking some time off, which would really come in handy while doing our first IVF. I received full pay and unemployment for 8 months, which was great!

In June, my eye pressure (glaucoma) had increased, and I wanted to make sure it was taken care of before I became pregnant, so I had surgery right away. Glaucoma is something that anyone with chronic uveitis must deal with, along with cataracts. I had cataracts in both of my eyes removed years ago, so I never have to worry about that again (even when I am old!). But the glaucoma is scary, since it can rob your sight if it is not dealt with right away.

In July, I began my first IVF cycle. Things got delayed because I did not suppress on the Lupron, and the saline sono showed some sort of abnormality of my uterus. So my first cycle lasted a month and a half. Got pregnant from first IVF in September, dealt with huge amounts of stress when the HCG levels did not double properly, had a miscarriage, then had a D & C in October. Two days after D & C my husband is yelling and screaming at me because he cannot take my attitude. A couple of weeks later he decides we should split up. We make up. In December, I have a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to determine what the hell is wrong with my uterus. It was discovered that it was not bicornuate, but septate. The septum and some endometriosis are removed. I am beside myself since had we known about the septum, it would have been removed prior to IVF and the miscarriage wouldn't have happened. Three days later my grandfather passed away. Attended funeral while bleeding profusely and feeling extremely anemic. Husband pissed at me, I forget why.

In January, we were set to start our second IVF. Have second saline sono, which shows septum is still there!!! Surprise, another surgery is needed. This is surgery #4 in total for the year, not including the egg retrieval. Surgery is a success, set to start IVF #2 in a few weeks. February - looks like husband's new job is not working out, start to pay bills from our line of credit. Husband decides he wants to separate last week. Yes, I did not make this up. We are separating. This is no surprise - every time my husband and I argue he wants a divorce. This has happened at least 10 times in the past 4 years. This time I agree. I cannot take the instability anymore. This marriage has not been a happy one, because of the circumstances we had to deal with. My husband was not even over the death of his first wife when we married, so I guess it was doomed from the start. But let me say, I did not go after him, he pursued me for 7 MONTHS before I would go out with him. I thought it was too soon, but he insisted this is what he wanted. So I cannot blame myself. No more marriage, no more infertility, no more IVF. Does this mean that I am no longer infertile? I had fit under that category because of male factor. Could I actually become pregnant naturally some day? I can honestly say I cannot even conceive of that, no pun intended. Looks like life has some more in store for me. After the past year, hopefully it can only go up from here.

Does The Sadness Ever Disappear?

2005-02-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

If someone asked me what the best day of my life was, I truly would not be able to answer. There have been so many - first dates, first kisses, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, and so many childhood memories. But the one day that stands out recently is the day I found out I was pregnant. 10dp3dt, I took a HPT at 4am because I couldn't sleep, and there was a second line. It was faint, but it was there. I woke up my husband to see if he saw it too, and he did. We were so happy and excited! We didn't think the cycle had worked since I had gotten a negative three days before. It looked like the nightmare was over and our dreams had come true.

The infertility had such a negative effect on our marriage that we almost split up several times. It affected me much more deeply than my husband, and I became depressed, angry, emotional, and tons of other different negative emotions. He couldn't deal with this, because he still felt happy regardless of the fact that we didn't have a child. This is because my husband went through a lot before I came into his life. He lost his first wife to uterine cancer, and watched her wither away and die. She was only 38 when she died. After an experience like that, he just doesn't get too upset about too many things. He really is an extraordinary person, and always tries to stay positive. I have not been able to do that. I wanted to have kids so badly that we started trying on our honeymoon. He wanted them too, but he still kept things in perspective. When I wasn't getting pregnant month after month, I assumed the problem was me, and the depression started. He couldn't handle this since he previously had a wife who couldn't have children because she had to have a hysterectomy, but she managed to stay positive. She was a tough act to follow. He compares the two of us a lot, even though he says he doesn't. I am not able to live my life as if I were dying. I just can't. I want children, period. I don't want a mansion, a Mercedes, diamonds, or anything material, I want a child. The experience of infertility and having a miscarriage is the heartbreak of my life. I've been through some pretty hard things, almost went blind when I was a teenager, but this is what tears my heart out. I still cannot talk about it without crying. When does this pain stop? Will it ever stop? When I am finally blessed with a child, will I look back on this time and smile, or will I still cry because I had to go through it? Will I ever be able to say "I had a miscarriage when I was 31" without having to leave the room? It doesn't seem like it right now. Julie's blog yesterday was very thought provoking. With all the heartache I have been through, do I have an equal amount of happiness waiting for me? That would be incredible. But when will it come?

Do You Have Balloons?

2005-02-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

Am I the only sick one who used to get enjoyment from listening to the crude humor of The Jerky Boys? There was one called "Do you have balloons?", or something like that, and every time I think about the balloon in my uterus, I am reminded of it. Anyway, the balloon was removed today, and I am back to normal. I thought it was going to hurt, but it was painless. Turns out the balloon was inflated with 3 cc's of water, which was drained before removal. It just kind of slid out - thank God! So that is a relief. Hopefully my uterus will stay how it should. I will continue to take estrogen for the next week, and then progesterone for 10 days to bring on my period.

My little nephew is doing well, and is still as cute as can be! He is such a good baby, hardly ever cries and mostly sleeps. I hope my future babies are as good as him!

I Am So In Love!

2005-02-18T22:57:00.000-05:00

I cannot even begin to describe how in love I am with my new nephew. I can't look at him without crying (possibly because of all the estrogen I am taking :) He is just the cutest and most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. I have been around lots of babies in my life, but I have never felt like this. He looks like a clone of my sister, and I think he has my hands and feet! And he is so good! Hardly ever makes a sound, except last night when he was probably in pain after the circumcision. They are coming home on Sunday, which means I can spend time with them next week and help out my sister if she needs it. This is gonna be one spoiled baby!!!

On a different note, can't wait to get this damn balloon out of my body! It's not that I am in pain, but I know it's there and it doesn't belong there. I have an appointment on Monday morning for the removal, and then I will continue to take estrogen for two more weeks, along with progesterone the second week to bring on my period. I will then start the birth control pill on day three, and start this process all over again. This uterus better be perfect now!!!

Brand New Arrival!

2005-02-16T23:49:00.000-05:00

Joseph Philip was born this afternoon at 3:39 pm, weighing 8 lbs 7 oz, and 21 in long!!! My first blood nephew! After being two weeks past due, the doctor finally decided that a c-section was necessary since my sister was not dilating at all. She is doing well, as is Joseph. She and her husband are ecstatic! And he is so cute - he looks just like her when she was born! I sure hope he likes me and gets used to my face, cuz he is gonna be seeing a lot of it after my sister returns to work in two months!

A Heartless Valentine's Day

2005-02-15T14:08:00.000-05:00

Surgery went well yesterday. The doctor seems to think that it may be scar tissue that grew rather than the septum, but he is not positive. He removed what he could, and inserted the balloon. After his warnings that I would be very crampy while the balloon was in, I expected to feel like I was in labor all week. But I do not even feel a tinge of a cramp, which is good and bad. Good because who the hell wants to be in pain, bad because now I am afraid the balloon fell out. The purpose of the balloon is to prevent anything from growing back. There is a "tail" on the end of the balloon which will be used to remove it, and the doc warned me that the tail may become uncoiled and be visible from outside my body. This is the case. So right now I have a pretty thick thing kind of hanging, which I keep trying to put back. Think tampon string, but the size and consistency of an electrical cord. So if everything goes well, this balloon will stay in until next Monday. I am also taking Estrogen for 3 weeks, which help the lining build up so to also prevent anything from growing back. Before any of these surgeries, my uterus was heart shaped. Hopefully now, it is pear shaped like everyone else's normal uterus, and will stay that way. I should hopefully begin the next IVF cycle in about 3 weeks. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Decision Made

2005-02-10T23:17:00.000-05:00

After flip-flopping back and forth between whether or not to have the surgery again, I called my RE and told him I was struggling with this. I didn't want to subject myself to a possibly unnecessary surgery, and was starting to think that maybe everything would be OK with the way things were. I then asked him "if it were your wife, what would you do?" Must have been a good question, because he told me he could not answer it without first looking at the pictures. He had only been told of the situation by the RE who performed the saline sono. He promised to call me the next day as soon as he saw the pictures from my chart.

This morning at about 9am, I received a call from him. My husband and I had him on speaker phone as he told me that after looking at the pictures, he feels it would be best if I had the surgery again. Believe it or not, I was relieved. I did not want to have to make that decision myself. He would check when the next surgery date was, and get back to me. This was the part that made me nervous, because I knew there was a strong possibility that I would have to wait a month before something opened up.

A couple of hours later, I received a call from the girl who schedules the surgeries, who informed me that my surgery would be this Monday!!!!!! Yeah!!!!! He scheduled a date just for me!!! I guess even he realizes I have been through hell and back and enough is enough. So I will be spending my Valentine's Day having surgery, and I am so happy about it! Hopefully, if things go well, we can get back on track with IVF #2 next month. I was really bumming the past few days about having to wait again, but in the grand scope of things, another month is not going to make a difference. If it means having healthy babies, then it is well worth it!

Does It Ever End?

2005-02-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should start wearing a caution sign that reads "Don't get too happy - problems are lurking right around the corner!" I had my second RE appointment yesterday to make sure my ovaries are quiet and do the second saline sono to make sure my uterus looks normal after my surgery. The first part went well - my ovaries were nice and quiet. I then sat in the room for over an hour waiting for the RE to come in to do the saline sono. Before she did it, she wrote out my plan for the week - I was to stop the birth control pill and start Follistim each night for a week. Yeah!!! Oh, but no, she spoke too soon. She did the sono and determined that the septum is still there! What the fuck!!! I just had the surgery to correct that on December 23! I was pissed beyond belief. She compared the pictures from yesterday to the ones taken before the surgery, and said that a lot of it was removed, but there was still something there. I asked her if I should have another surgery, and she said "possibly". It is debatable, and she is checking with the RE who did my surgery to see what he thinks. I told her that I do not want to risk another miscarriage, so if it means another surgery, I will do it. I asked her if she saw somebody for the first time and they had a septum like I have right now, would she recommend surgery, and she said "yes". So bottom line is, even if my RE determines that I should not have surgery again, I know there is still a small septum there, and that means the chance for another miscarriage. I cannot take this anymore. I waited long enough for my second IVF cycle (its been almost 4 months since the miscarriage), and now if I need another operation, that will be another couple of months waiting. I was so upset yesterday, I gave myself a migraine. It just feels like this is never going to end. So now I am waiting for a phone call back from one of the REs to tell me what is going on. I will be extremely lucky if I hear from them today. They have more patients than they know what to do with, it is sickening. That's the story for now, will update more when I know more.

The Ugly Side

2005-02-05T01:42:00.000-05:00

I feel like shit right now. My husband and I went out to dinner tonight with my family, which consists of my mom and dad, pregnant younger sister (29) who is due any minute, and pregnant youngest sister (26) who is due in July. When I saw my youngest sister walk into the restaurant in her new maternity blouse, something in me snapped. I had to hide my face in my menu so that nobody would notice my red face and tears forming. I think to hide the pain, I became snippy and sensitive. My mom told me I looked good in my red shirt, and I told her to stop saying things like that. I feel like she compliments me because she feels sorry for me. Which I know she really does. But nobody is feeling more sorry for me than myself. I just feel like such a @#$# loser. Then my husband got pissed at me because I told him to "butt out" of a conversation I was having with my sister. When we left and got into the car, he told me I was no longer fun to be around. No, more like screamed it at me. And it is the truth. I don't even like being around me anymore. For some reason, the birth control pill makes me feel pre-menstrual, and very emotional. I can't stand it, and can't wait to be done with it on Sunday. I am so sick of feeling like this. I should be enjoying life, but I am hating it right now. Please let me feel more positive tomorrow!

Oh, and another thing that really upset me was the insensitive comments made by my friend the other day. She has two kids that she conceived effortlessly, and no longer goes out with friends to socialize. If you want to hang out with her, you have to go to her house. I said to her, wouldn't it be nice if every now and then you had your husband babysit and we went out for a drink like we used to? She told me she has no desire to go out for a drink, she can drink at home, she is perfectly content with her life, and that I feel this way because I don't have any kids. She repeated the "you don't have any kids" line several more times in the conversation. Gee, thanks for reminding me. I almost forgot. What the hell was I thinking, wanting to go out a couple times a year with friends? My parents still went out after they had us. Is it normal to stop socializing with other adults outside of your home when you have children?

Great News!

2005-02-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

Finally, some great news - my rheumatologist called me today, and told me that my blood shows no sign of an autoimmune disease! And this was some pretty extensive blood work. So I guess I can now conclude that the miscarriage did not occur as a result of an autoimmune disease. Phew!!! One less thing to worry about. I will ask her if we should re-test when I am pregnant, since I think I read somewhere that an autoimmune disease can reappear while pregnant, but I could be wrong. Hopefully my lucky streak will continue. Let's keep our fingers crossed!!!!

Holy Medication!

2005-02-01T01:18:00.000-05:00

I received my delivery of fertility medication today - enough for about 5 IVF cycles! Why in the world the RE ordered so much medication is beyond me. She did mention to me that she would like me to donate what I don't use, but she should have been more clear about her agenda. I don't mind donating since I am fortunate enough to have insurance that covers the cost, but let me know ahead of time that I will be receiving a ridiculous amount of meds. My kitchen table right now is covered with syringes and alcohol swipes. And that freaking red disposal container is back, the one that I thought I would not see again for a couple of years. Looking at that really got to me. It's tough going through this again, not because it was hard to do the first time, but because I thought I was done for now. And it was really tough being at the RE's office the other day, seeing the sonographer that found the sac, who ended up being the same one that confirmed the miscarriage. All the nurses were a little gentler than usual after reading my chart. One told me that her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, followed by 3 more! But she has grown children, so her story has a happy ending. That is really what I want to hear about these days - happy endings despite disastrous beginnings. Not always a realty, but definitely a comfort.

A New Cycle Has Begun!

2005-01-31T01:03:00.000-05:00

I went to my RE appointment yesterday, and started on the birth control pill, which I will only be on for about a week. I will then start Follistim, then later Repronex and Antagon. So the next retrieval is only a few weeks away! We will also do another saline sono next week to make sure my uterus looks OK after the last surgery. Hopefully everything will look well so that we can proceed.

On a different note, my husband and I went to Atlantic City yesterday after the appointment, and I won $250 on a slot machine! May not sound like an awful lot, but I was very excited. Any win is good as far as I'm concerned. We had a good day.

I am feeling pretty good about things right now. Finally being at the point where we are moving on with our next IVF has me in much better spirits. My sister is due to give birth any day now, so pretty soon I will have a new nephew, who will be my first godson!

Nervous Anticipation

2005-01-27T22:29:00.000-05:00

I made my cycle day 3 appointment today for Saturday morning! I am very excited to try again, but equally as nervous. There are just so many emotions that go along with IVF. The daily injections are the easy part! I hope and pray for it to work again, but to end very differently - with a live, healthy baby or two! I have to say, I would much rather have a negative than another miscarriage, but I guess that goes without saying.

In the midst of all the war, terrorism, and natural disasters that seem to be filling our lives these days, every now and then I read an article that seems nothing short of a miracle. Here's hoping that my miracle comes true!

A Word of Caution

2005-01-26T11:44:00.000-05:00

I would like to offer a piece of advice to anyone who is pursuing IVF: request blood work to detect the presence of an autoimmune disease before the procedure is completed!!! I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when I was 17 (juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and uveitis). I am now 31 and have no symptoms of the arthritis, but still have the uveitis. In all my years of being treated by many doctors, not one told me that the illness may cause miscarriages! I honestly had no idea. When I began seeing my RE, I was not asked if I had an autoimmune disease until my physical exam that is performed a few days before the retrieval! Why I was not asked during my first appointment I will never know, but I can assure you, I am very, very pissed about it! This may have cost me my baby! My rheumatologist is currently doing another series of blood tests to determine whether or not I have anything that could have caused the miscarriage. If I do, it can be treated. Please do not be naive like me, be tested before your first IVF!!! There is nothing worse than the feeling of miscarrying a genetically normal baby!

IVF #1 and the Miscarriage - Part 3

2005-01-25T23:02:00.000-05:00

After my husband and I cried and composed ourselves, we had to tell our families the horrible news. Everyone had been so excited and happy for us, and I knew it would crush them. Each time I said the words "our baby's heart stopped beating" it felt less and less real. How could this be? I already had an appointment scheduled for the next day with my RE, and hoped that the equipment they used at this other place was inaccurate, and that everything really was fine. A long shot, but maybe a possibility.

When my name was called at the RE, I walked up and told the nurse what had happened. She looked at my chart and said "I don't understand, everything was going so well". That made two of us. They took me in right away and confirmed the inevitable - no heartbeat. The sonographer called the doctor in to confirm, and of course the doctor explained to us that it was the case. I asked if the sound could be turned on so that we could make sure there was no heartbeat, and she told us that she could see that there was no longer any blood flow to the baby. I started to cry, and she hugged me. She told me to have a D & C with genetic testing, to determine if the baby was chromosomally abnormal. My husband and I left extremely sad, but not surprised. I really can't even remember how I felt at this point, but I imagine I was numb. The denial stage was over, it was confirmed by two doctors. I scheduled the D & C for four days later. I was not looking forward to it, but I knew it had to be done.

The morning of the surgery I was a little nervous, but not terribly scared. The surgery went smoothly, and I was home that afternoon. I was not in any pain, and had hardly any bleeding. It just seemed too easy, but I was grateful. I had been through enough. Now we had to wait for the genetic testing results. A few days later, we went up to a mountain resort house for the day with my husband's family. I felt a little crampy, but nothing horrible. When I got out of the car and walked up several flights of stairs, I began having terrible cramps. I knew it was a mistake coming here, being that it was two hours away from home and I was stuck. The cramps continued on and off really strong. I took some Tylenol, but it did not help at all. Finally we left, and after an hour stopped at a rest stop. When I got out of the car, I felt a gush of liquid that did not stop coming out. I dashed to the bathroom, and discovered I was bleeding profusely. Since I thought the bleeding was over a couple of days before, I had no pads with me, and the restroom had no pads. What a freaking horrible situation. I did the best I could with what I had, ate dinner, and headed home. The bleeding and cramps continued into the following day. I just figured it was a delayed reaction. That night, my husband and I argued, and he left to go to a relatives house. While he was gone, something horrible happened. While I was sitting on the toilet bowl, I heard something rather large fall into the water (not what you might be thinking). I got up, and removed what I thought was a blood clot. It was big, and it was not a clot. It was pinkish tissue that resembled what an embryo of six weeks looks like. I completely freaked out, crying and screaming, and called my husband to come home. He looked at it, and agreed with me that it looked like the baby. We thought one of two things: 1) My gynecologist screwed up the surgery and did not remove the baby, or 2) There were twins, one had died and the other was still alive, and the surgery killed it. The thought of the second option really screwed us up. But we just didn't know what the hell had happened. We headed to the hospital, and were there all night. I was examined, and we submitted the tissue for genetic testing. Now we were waiting for two different results.

Thank God, it turned out that the second tissue was not a baby. It must have been a piece of my lining. The genetic testing from the baby came back as a normal female. This really hurt. My baby was normal, but I miscarried anyway. I could understand a miscarriage if the baby is abnormal - this is nature's way. But how do you explain the miscarriage of a normal baby. I called my RE with these results, and he agreed that we should do some blood work since I have a history of autoimmune problems, and do a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to see if there is a septum. I got my blood work done the next day, and went in to the office a couple of weeks later for the results. Everything came back negative, except for one. I was borderline on a test for Anticardiolipin Antibody, a clotting disorder. Under 10 is normal, and I was 11. This was horrible news, and he reordered the test and scheduled the surgery. It was possible that I did not have the disorder since it was so borderline. People with colds or infections could test positive and not have it. Thank God the second test came back normal. On to surgery.

I was very nervous the day of the surgery because I did not know what the doctor would find. He was hoping to find a normal uterus. What he found was a septum, and mild to moderate endometriosis, and some scarring. He repaired the septum and lasered the endometriosis. When I woke up and spoke to the doctor, I cried when I heard this. I had been misdiagnosed as having a bicornuate uterus before the IVF. Had the correct diagnosis been made, maybe this could have been avoided! I thought about suing, I thought about not going back to this practice, but ultimately, they did get me pregnant on my first IVF, and I did not want to start over again. My goal in all of this is not financial gain, it is to have a baby or two.

So here I am back to present day, and will begin my second IVF cycle at the end of this week. I will start taking the birth control pill on day three of my period, skip the Lupron since I did not suppress the last time, and go right to the stims. I am excited about moving on, and hope that this time is the time. I was told by my doctor that my uterus is in much better shape, and that it is wider than the average uterus. Maybe this will make for a more inviting environment for twins! I am trying to stay positive, but a part of me thinks that with the success rates for IVF being about 30-40%, this time may not work. I can only hope it does! My sister will be giving birth soon, so I am exciting about that. I just want good things for everybody. I don't want to live life feeling unfulfilled anymore. It is no way to live, and it is not fair to my husband. I just don't think I could ever be truly happy if I don't have children. But I can't go there. Here's to a successful IVF #2!

Dear Faith

2005-01-19T16:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Faith,

I hope you know how much I love you and wanted you. It was a miracle that you were brought to us, and why you were taken away I will never know. The most difficult moment of my life was the one when I was told that you were no longer alive. I prayed that you would be healthy, but God had other plans for you. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, please know that Mommy and Daddy love you very much and miss you. I so badly wanted a little girl, and when I was told that is what you were, it hurt even more. I don't know how these things work, but if you could come back to us in our next pregnancy, that would make us very happy. But if that is not how it works, I understand. I hope there is nothing that I did to hurt you. I am told that is not possible, but who really knows. I hope you are at peace, and know how much you are still loved. I will never forget you, and hope that some day you have brothers and sisters here on earth with Mommy and Daddy. We will not give up until that happens.

Love,
Mommy

IVF #1 and the Miscarriage - Part 2

2005-01-18T01:33:00.000-05:00

After the first sonogram revealed nothing, I really was not so hopeful that this would turn out as I had hoped. I was very pleasantly surprised to get a phone call that afternoon informing me that my HCG levels were 1174! This sounded like great news, since the levels had tripled from two days ago. But then I realized that at this level, it is possible to see a sac. I mentioned this concern to the nurse, and she agreed and said that they were kind of thinking that this was probably an ectopic pregnancy. Not good news at all. I was to return in three days for a repeat sono, and this would be the one to determine what was going on. I just felt horrible. I was finally pregnant, and could not enjoy it at all. Every single pain I felt in my side convinced me that the pregnancy was ectopic. I was not looking forward to the treatment of an ectopic pregnancy either - you know, the drug that is labeled "Chemotherapy"!
I returned for my repeat sono with my hubby, and was as nervous as I'd ever been. I knew this was the moment of truth. But there it was, the moment the wand was inserted, a sac was visible! And it looked good! I cried tears of joy, and of course my husband was thrilled! This was going to turn out OK after all! I would prove the doctors wrong. It was not ectopic, and it seemed I was not going to miscarry. I breathed a sigh of relief, but felt the uneasiness again knowing that I would have to return the following week for another sonogram. The one that would reveal the heartbeat! This would be the biggest one yet! Throughout this ordeal, my family and friends all told me that they knew everything would turn out OK. They all just "had a feeling". I wanted to believe them so. I even named the baby Faith, since I was positive it was a girl. We had planned on other names for a girl, but Faith seemed so appropriate since we had to have a lot of it to get through this.
The day of the next sonogram I wanted to throw up. Not morning sickness - I hadn't had any of that. I was so nervous I was sick. As soon as the wand was inserted, I asked the sonographer if there was a heartbeat, and she said yes!!!!!!!! Yes, there was a heartbeat!!!!!! Wow, we were most likely out of the woods! The RE of the day told me that once you have a heartbeat, your chances for miscarriage drop to under 5%. This really made me feel as if things were going to work in our favor, and that our baby was going to be OK! What a dream come true, to go through such heartache and come out of it with something so wonderful and positive! We shared the good news with our family, and of course, shared the new sonogram picture with everyone. I got a call that afternoon with my HCG levels of 3168, and was also told to stop the PIO because my progesterone levels were off the charts! Great! A healthy pregnancy and no more shots! I was told they would only see me one more time, and that I should make an appointment with my regular OBGYN. I wanted to do that as soon as possible since I was paranoid about my bicornuate uterus, having read that it may be associated with an incompetent cervix.
I saw my OBGYN a few days later, and explained the situation to her. She did not seem overly concerned about an incompetent cervix, and said that rather than just doing a cerclage, she would monitor me every week or so to measure my cervix. She wanted me to have a sonogram done from her office to determine dating and cervical length. I made the appointment for two more days. I left feeling great. I was finally one of the pregnant girls in the waiting room. I did not feel jealous anymore. I felt fulfilled and completely content, and blessed! I overcame what looked like a failed pregnancy. Or so I thought.
The sonogram for my OBGYN was performed in the perinatologist office across the hall. I signed in, and noticed I was number 13 on the sheet. Yuck, I hate that bad luck number! But oh well, no point in being superstitious, everything was going to be fine. I was called in, and was met by a very nice sonographer and a sonographer in training. The trainee inserted the wand I believe, and the trainer guided her. It was taking a while, and I asked if everything was OK. The trainer said "Oh yes, everything is fine, please be patient with her, she is learning". I said no problem, take as long as you need, as long as I know everything is OK. They made note of the embryo, then explored my entire uterus and cervix, noticing the curve of my cervix and heart shape of my uterus. That was the first time my heart shaped uterus was noticed during a sonogram. Then the trainer took over, and spent a very long time looking around my uterus. She did not tell me anything was wrong, she was just silent. She handed the wand back over to the trainee, and told her to practice, and that she would be right back. The trainee looked around for another few minutes as if everything was completely fine, and then told me to get dressed for the doctor. I had a feeling something was up. I got dressed, and the sonographer came back in with the doctor. In a German accent (I think), the doctor introduced himself to me, and mispronounced my name. I corrected him, and he said "Mrs. ..., I have looked at the pictures, and unfortunately the news is not good". I said what do you mean, as I could feel my heart pounding and the blood draining from my body. It is difficult to write this, I am about to cry. He said "There is no heartbeat. I am sorry". I said that is impossible, we had a heartbeat last week. He said "If you had a heartbeat last week and there is not one now, that is not good news, but you can come back in a few days and we can check again". I asked if we could please check again right now, and he said sure. I removed my pants again, had the wand inserted, and it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. My baby died. I was in shock. I asked if it was something I did, and I was told of course not. Something was probably genetically wrong with the baby, and I would miscarry within the next couple of weeks. He told me to try to save the "tissue" if I was able to, and bring it in for genetic testing. The sonographer told me she was sorry, and that she felt like crying. I felt hot and numb and dizzy. I could not believe this was happening. I got dressed, and got the hell out of there. The second I walked outside, a man asked me for directions to the bank I used to work for. How much crueler could life get right now? I could barely walk, let alone give directions. I drove home in a state of shock, and really did not cry yet. That didn't happen until I pulled into the driveway and saw my husband standing at the door waving and smiling at me. I did not smile back. He stopped smiling. I practically fell into his arms as I walked into the house. I told him our baby's heart stopped beating, and cried hysterically. He was shocked and hurt. We both cried, but I cried harder. It was a horrible gloomy rainy day, and now I knew why. Part 3 to follow.

IVF #1 and the Miscarriage - Part 1

2005-01-12T01:23:00.000-05:00

At the end of July 2004, I began my first IVF cycle by starting the birth control pill. It was the first time I had ever been on the pill, and I joked with a friend about how ironic it was that I had to go on the pill to get pregnant. During this time frame, I had a saline sono performed by one of the REs at my center, who had a very difficult time inserting the catheter into my cervix. That was extremely painful and scary. Finally, she was able to figure out the "curve", and completed the procedure. She told me everything was OK, and exited the room. After I got dressed and was about to leave, she re-entered the room, telling me that she looked at the pictures again, and was not so sure they were normal. Completely freaked out, I asked her what this meant. She told me that it was possible that I had bands of fibrous tissue that could easily be removed with surgery. I did not know she meant a septum. I explained to her that my HSG was normal, and she wanted to see it. A week later, I met with my main RE, who told me that the HSG appeared normal, but the saline sono did not, and he wanted to make sure by ordering a 3D sonogram of my uterus to determine if I had a septum, or a bicornuate uterus. I scheduled the test right away, and it was determined that I had a heart shaped bicornuate uterus. They did not believe that anything needed to be done about it, and they felt that because it was not severe, it should not negatively affect a pregnancy. Happy with this, we proceeded with the IVF cycle.

I believe I was on the pill for about 3 weeks before I started on Lupron, which I hated. Unfortunately, I did not suppress on the Lupron, so I had to stop taking it and wait until I got my period the following week. On day three of my period, I began Follistim, and then Repronex a few days before the retrieval. Everything seemed to be going well. I did have one follicle that was growing faster than the others, but in the end, I had 12 follicles. Not bad for not suppressing! My husband and I had agreed that we did not want more than 10 fertilized because we did not want too many embryos being frozen, since we did not want to discard any. I was so excited the night of my trigger shot. Speaking of shots, they were all much easier than I ever expected. The subcutaneous shots are easily and almost painlessly done in the area below the belly button, and that is where I injected every day.

The morning of the retrieval on September 7 was pretty uneventful. The RE was friendly and comforting, as were the nurses. I handle surgery and anesthesia very well, so my anxiety level was low. I fell asleep in the OR very quickly, and awoke when it was all over in no pain. They wheeled me back out to my husband, and told us that 12 eggs were retrieved. We were very happy with that amount. I went home and rested, and eagerly awaited the phone call with the fertilization results the next day. I was told that 9 eggs were mature and 5 fertilized. I was hoping for more, but I was happy that I had any. I had such a fear that because of the male factor and the ICSI, something would be wrong. But 5 embryos were good for me! I was to return on September 10 for a day 3 transfer. We were finally on our way to becoming parents! I started the PIO injections that night, which the thought of petrified me. I have to say, they were not bad at all! I iced the area for 5 - 10 minutes before the injection, and did not feel any more pain that the subcutaneous injections. What a relief.

On the morning of the transfer, I followed all instructions perfectly and made sure I had a very full bladder. I arrived promptly at 11:15 for a 11:30 transfer. When we walked in to the office, the nurse reprimanded us for being late. I was appalled, and told her that we were perfectly on time for our 11:30 transfer. She told me that our scheduled time was at 11, and that I must have been given the wrong time. Apparently there was another girl there with the same first name and the nurse who made the phone call got confused. Obviously this did not make me happy, and diminished any confidence I had with this practice. However, they realized the mistake was theirs, and took me in right away. I changed and was wheeled into the OR, where I was happy to see the same RE who had performed my saline sono. She already knew the curve of my cervix, so it would not be as much of a struggle. With my husband holding my hand, she figured out the curve within a few minutes and placed two embryos into my uterus, one 8 celled and one 7 celled. I was told the 8 celled embryo was the best they come. We were so excited!!!!! As they wheeled me out, I could not stop the tears from flowing. I had such a good feeling that this was going to work! I would be pregnant and the nightmare of the past 3 years would finally be behind us!

The two week wait was tough. I was cranky and my boobs were very sore and I had cramps, so I was convinced I was not pregnant. And boy was I tired, but I get tired right before my period every month. I took a HPT one week after the transfer, and it was negative. I was crushed, and informed my husband, who was very mad at me for testing early. He called the RE's office, who informed us that it was too early to test and that I still may be pregnant. He told them that I had symptoms of my period, and they said that at this stage, it could also be signs of early pregnancy. I was not hopeful, and assumed I was not pregnant. My blood pregnancy test was scheduled for 11dp3dt, and I knew I wanted to retest right before that so I would not be surprised or as distraught when I received the negative results. So on 10dp3dt, I took another HPT at 4am. I was shocked to see an extremely faint second line forming!!!!! I woke up my husband to see if he saw what I saw, and Mr. Eagle Eyes saw it too! Oh my God!!! I was pregnant - maybe!!!!!! When I went in the next day for my blood test, I told the nurse that I had tested and that it was positive. I then told her that I had tested a few days before the positive test, and that it was negative. This actually proved that the trigger shot was out of my system. She told me that I was most likely pregnant, gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and said congratulations! Wow! Was this really happening??? I went home elated, but still not completely sure until I received the phone call later that day. I had to visit my grandfather in the hospital and was not home for the phone call (I really did not want to be), but when I heard the message saying the test was positive and congratulations, I was ecstatic! I immediately called my husband with the great news, and he came home that night with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and the biggest smile on his face. We were so happy. The next hurdle would be the follow up blood test in two days, but I really thought everything was going to be OK. I even set up an online pregnancy calendar with my dates, and signed up for a bunch of free pregnancy info and magazines.
I went in for my second blood test two days later, and asked the nurse what my first HCG level was. She told me 81, and that it was a decent number. I took her word for it, and asked if she could tell if it was twins from that number, and she said she could not. I was very uneasy waiting for the phone call that day because I knew that if the levels did not double, it was not good. I finally received my phone call that afternoon, and was told that I was at 109. Shit, I knew that couldn't be good. I asked the nurse if I should be worried, and she said she wouldn't worry yet since it was so early, but that I should return in two days for a follow up test. My bubble had burst. All the happiness I felt for the past few days had drained from my body. I called my husband right away and told him that there may be a problem. He told me I was being silly and that everything was going to be OK. He even proceeded to call everyone he knew to announce that we were pregnant. This did not comfort me because I knew the more people who know would be the more people we would have to inform if the pregnancy did not work out. But he insisted on telling everyone. He was confident everything would be OK. We went to church and prayed. Two days later I had my third blood test, which revealed HCG levels of 177. Shit, this was not good news. I was not doubling at all. I was completely crushed. My friends and family all told me that for some reason they had a feeling that everything would be OK, and I tried to take that to heart. I had to return in two days for my 4th blood test.

The morning of the test, I was called into my REs office before the nurse drew blood. This was not the norm, and I knew this couldn't be good. My RE informed me that the pregnancy was not looking good based on the HCG levels, and that I would most likely miscarry. He told me that either a) he could be completely wrong and the pregnancy would be fine, b) this was an ectopic pregnancy, or c) I would miscarry within a couple of weeks. If I did miscarry, it would not be any time soon because my progesterone levels were very high. He wanted me to come in the middle of the following week for a sonogram to determine if anything was in the uterus. I was hurt, angry, and confused. Why was this happening? How could this happen to somebody who has already gone through so much? I really felt sorry for myself and just wanted to cry. I told my husband the news, and he was extremely pissed that the doctor told me this bad news without him being there. He felt horrible thinking about me hearing this alone. He came home from work early to comfort me, and we took a nap. We were awakened a little while later by the phone call from the RE nurse, who told us that the levels today were 390, and that the doctor was happy with this number. What??? I just prepared myself for a failed pregnancy. Did this mean that everything might be alright? I hung up the phone and started to cry hysterically. My husband thought I had been given bad news, so I had to try to explain to him that the news was good, and that the numbers were finally starting to double. We went to church and prayed again. We lit candles. If we saw a sac or two at the sonogram next week we would be on track!

The first sonogram revealed nothing. No sac. We still did not know what the heck was going on. But the RE of the day told us that it still was too early to see anything based on my numbers. Why the hell did I need a sonogram then? He told me that we still had a chance that everything would be OK, but that it was possible that it would not. I would need to come back in a few days to see if there was a sac. More waiting, more anxiety and fear, more crying.

Home Sweet Home

2005-01-10T01:07:00.000-05:00

The house is ours again! For the past week and a half, my cousin from Florida and her two children were staying with us to attend the funeral of our grandfather. He was very ill and suffering, so I am glad that he is at peace now. I love her and her children, ages 1 and 7, so I am always excited when they come to visit. But it is always a shock when a usually quiet and peaceful home is suddenly erupt with screams and cries and the smell of poop and toy sounds and questions. I guess it is a prelude of what is to come someday.

But as much as I love her company, it is still nice to have your home back. I will be very busy today cleaning and putting away Christmas decorations. Hubby is busy watching football game, so the day is mine to enjoy at my leisure.

Discussed last night with my sister who is soon to give birth that I will be the baby's nanny when she has to return to work. I was laid off from my job last May, and have decided to try to stay at home while trying to get pregnant. If we can manage financially, I will be a stay at home mom. In the meantime, I will happily serve as nanny to my baby nephew, and will do the same for my youngest sister when the time comes. The family is so excited about these babies being born, and it is usually the topic of most conversations. Sometimes I pretend I am not there, but most times I am OK and participate. I just feel so weird and out of place. Never have felt that way with my own family, but I hope it is just a temporary feeling!

Welcome To My Blog!

2005-01-09T23:45:00.000-05:00

Hello, and welcome to my new blog! After reading many infertility, pregnancy, and adoption blogs for several months, I have finally decided to start one of my own. To catch everyone up on what is happening in my life, I will expand on my bio. I am currently waiting until the end of January to start on my second IVF cycle. The first cycle ended terribly with a miscarriage, and I hope and pray that the second one results in a baby or two (twins would be perfect!).

My journey with infertility has been very painful for me. I married almost 4 years ago with the desire to have children right away. I was devastated after we learned that we would not be able to conceive naturally due to male factor. I have spent the last 4 years as a bitter and unhappy woman, and I realize how unfair that has been to my husband, who is not so deeply affected emotionally by the infertility. And that makes it more difficult for me, because I feel like I am in this alone sometimes. We have gone through some very hard times, but we always end up working things out together.

Over the past 4 years I have seen friends, relatives, and strangers become pregnant, some twice! I always hate the feeling that overcomes me when I am told the news - a mixture of jealousy and guilt all rolled into one. Being the oldest of three girls, my BIGGEST fear always was that one of my sisters would become pregnant before me. Of course, that fear came true when my middle sister became pregnant in May (she is due next month). I am truly very, very happy for her, but those ugly feelings did arise. When I was pregnant after my first IVF in September, I finally felt like a normal human being that didn't have those ugly feelings anymore. Then the miscarriage happened, followed by a horrible D & C, followed by the announcement that my youngest sister was now pregnant too! Holy shit!!!!!! I wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole and never come out! I think I am still in that hole. But still, I am happy for her and wish these feelings would go away. Anyone who has gone through this knows what a horrible, ugly feeling it is. You feel selfish and wrong but you can't help it. Something that you want so badly comes naturally and easily to everyone around you.
I've also had to endure the rude comments by friends and family members. The most recent was "So when are you gonna get pregnant? You are the oldest you know". This comment was made at a family party and I couldn't even hold back the tears. My family felt so horribly for me, and it was so embarrassing. I have now decided that I will not attend any more family gatherings until my situation has changed. Except I must attend my sister's baby shower on Saturday, of course!

Enough rambling for one day. There will be plenty more tomorrow!